x, Y?? z... whatever

我要控制我自己，不愿让谁看见我哭泣。。。

ok... wellll... yes i admit it...
im dumb...
so?

why are there so many people out there trying 2 slice your self-esteem one by one layer, not leaving any space for you 2 at least cover up for yourself?? sometimes when you are so keen to be there just for them, they do not even bother to acknowledge your existence. n sometimes when you do not defend for yourself, people take it for granted and assume that you'r used to be playing the role of being judged and being let down.

it sounds serious and i know that im being emo, i just hope to find an exit 2 my feelings that iv been suppressing for quite a considerable period.. (note: this does not point to any1 specific, any1 reading this pls do not get 2 personalised, thanks).

i admit that im not the kind of person who have much confidence in everything but i really know my stuff well and definitely im also not the kind of person who feel inferior all the time. im jus an average person who is trying to live my life fully, for my studies, for my patients and for the people ard me that i love. i know myself well and i know that im not the meticulous person who pays attention to every single detail in my surroundings. but that is my personality... people think that im absent-minded, ignorant, couldn care less and bla bla bla... i agree and im not trying to defend myself for that, as this is a fact, a fact is always a fact no matter how u'r trying to artifact it. n sometimes i even think that those characters are making me 'special', at least i can keep ppl around me entertained. hahaha (self-hypnotising again)...

well, crapping a lot but the main issue is here. i really can get mad when ppl are trying to relate my above characters to my future career as a doctor. jus because we'r studying medicine, we'r under the magnifying glass of others, ppl will say (or think) stuff like this, "omg, i cant imagine how you'r goin to deliver a baby in future", "gosh, don't you forget ur scissors in the patient's stomach", "i definitely don want doctor like you to be my dr in future". im certainly not a perfect person and prob will commit much more mistakes in future, but at least don't relate everything i do or every single action of mine, to my future career. it's kinda exhausting, and now it had become annoying.

i admit that i dun hav sense of direction, i lose common sense at times and i tend to be oblivious to the surrounding. and sometms im so down with myself for this when relating this to my future life. will i cost patients' lives because of this? will i harm others? when can i free from this pitfall of mine? but what im trying to say is that, i put 101% effort in what i believe and definitely will strive for the best for my patients in future (hopefully). ppl who judge and penalise others today, can u ascertain that u wont do any mistake in future? just because we'r future doctors, so our mistakes bear more consequences? i dont think so... every career saves lives to some extent and pls do not think that only doctors can cost human lives.

so next time please reflect upon urself before judging others, as you never know that your words sometimes bear hole in people's heart.

oop... i gues this is the longest blog iv ever written so better stop here..

p/s: no offence to any1, its jus a random thought.

(God, i really need your strenght to lead me on this long long journey. pls bless me that at least i won cause harm or pain to the others. 'amithaba'...)