i'm not happy

as implicated from the above tittle, i'm not happy, at least not as happy as i seem to be physically...

iv always been telling myself that we live in shadows of others, and if the people around us are pleasant, y should we bother about our own feelings? so, we ought to forgive and forget, in whichever encounter.

it is until today that i realise the price of adhering to the above self-hypnotising principle...

if the person concerned has already 'labelled' u as someone he or she has chosen to dislike, trying to please him or her will turn into a futile effort...

u'l still be viewed as someone who does not bother to take the so called 'friendship' seriously.

i admit that i'm not someone good at pleasing people who does not respond to my conversation...

in most circumstances il just let it be and selectively ignoring the person who ignites my frustration.

im certainly not an emo person and most of the time il just sweep my emotions under the carpet as i believe that it is inapproprite to show whatever feeling u have if it may have negative impact on others. it wil just worsen the scenario and make the parties involved to have an impression that u do not know how to carry yourself.

what im trying to say is that in a conflict it does not mean that the victory is always on the side of the person who expresses his or her feelings more... sometimes the one who keeps quite does so because he or she cherishes the friendship between you two and does not want to inflict it with any 'trauma', as a wound which heals will somehow turn into fibous tissue which is no longer as strong as the original tissue... haha a lame example, isn't it?

about blank.....

i hate myself!!!

i'm not kidding but i really mean it when i write the above title.

predisposing factor?
well, i lost my handphone, AGAIN...
as u can see, this is not my first time, and i seem to be replaying the undesirable event that had occured before.

perhaps its not about the material aspect that ignited my misery and resentment towards myself, it is the personality and character of mine that initiated all those unhappy events.

recently i have been reflecting a lot upon myself... how long it takes for me to get rid of my clumsiness and absent-minded behaviours that are making who am i today? perhaps i am not that fit for this career, as i wonder what kind of doctor i will become in the future if i am to carry these freckles in days to come. p/s: pls don't say that i think too much, it's really a big issue to me.

i understand the fact that everyone has his or her strenght and weaknesses, and of course nobody is perfect, but i just cannot stop myself fr thinking of the consequence if i am to behave like this in the future.

well, maybe i should think in the positive side from this event..
sometimes when u lose something u'l get some other things in return..
i know it's just a way to deceive myself but i rather think so if it makes me feel better, hahaha.

i gues i'm falling into unconscious state in afew minutes' time so its better to stop here before i start crapping nonsence...

tommorow will be better (hopefully)...

finally....

yeah, finally the day which i'v been waiting for has come.
after all those torturing and schorching study weeks and exam days, everything has come to an end (temporarily).

flashing back on those days in semester 3, i realise that time really flies.
it's like stepping out from yesterday and today, m here again facing a new era, with much more impending predicament awaiting.

now, what i can do is to cross my fingers, praying fervently that my results go well and all hard work shall be paid off. i always believe that, when you do your best, God shall do the rest for you. n if there's a will, there's always a way.

i wish to write more but it seems that my 'dream guy' is calling upon me.
the next time i log in, i shall be in penang enjoying my idle third semester holidays.

zzzzzz.....zzzzzz......

points to ponder.....