Finally...

I'v been wanting 2 write this for long n perhaps this is the most appropriate time.
We've gone tru perhaps the most emotional periods in our lives,
and I'v never imagined that I would ever get so 'emo'
It's a journey of self-discovery I shall say...

What I mean were those torturing (err I should not perceive it this way) moments of non-stop studying,
no-fun-at-all life, waking up everyday just 2 feel nauseated n lifeless but to be grateful that I was still alive...
Today was the moment that we harvested the results of our hardwork.
This was probably the moment that we have 2 cherish n perhaps, celebrating?

But ironically, I was not 'emotional' as I had imagined myself would be.
I found that there's no reason to be happy or sad.
Should I reward myself for completing one of the most important milestones in my life?
Should I be resentful that I've not done my best?
Should I shout out in facebook thanking everyone that I could think of as others did?
Should I break into tears that finally everything is over?

The fact is I did not do or feel any of the above.
In fact, im feeling blue and down as a whole,
well I know that I shouldn't.
I really learnt that life is not a bed of roses,
and life is NOT FAIR at all...

Why should we let our one-day performance to determine how good or how bad we are?
Why are people working so hard all these while have to face such cruel truths?
Why hard works not always paid off?
I tot they said the harder u work the luckier u get??
I really do feel this for friends who were not fortunate enough 2 go through this,
I've no idea how oneself would take this,
but I really do hope they are, and will be fine.

Back to myself, what do I expect?
I hope that I've be given a license to heal and not to kill.

Let's make these our mottos:
*To cure sometime, to heal most of the time and to comfort all the time*
*Be humorous at times but to be humble always*
and the most important,
*Not trying to be brilliant ones, be SAFE ones*

~MD UKM 2012~

STOP, LOOK, GO...

came across a very interesting phrase recently: "The harder you work, the luckier you get". there was, however, another saying which is highly contradicting: "Don't try too hard, the best thing comes when you least expect it".

it's the end of the first posting in final year, and we'v all concluded a v peculiar phenomenon where nearly all final year medical students had shown some alteration in behaviour after entering final year, including myself, ironically.

it's quite apparent that every1 seems to be falling into the valleys of emo-ing, emptiness, altered behaviour and etc, those no longer news as i log in facebook everyday. those days were gone when we could sit back and relax after each posting, at least having a-week holidays before we enrol ourselves into the new one.

seeing us now, we'v jus done wif our end of posting exam yest, the new posting is awaiting ahead jus the day after 2mr. and worstil, the onli 2-day 'holidays' that we hav is filled wif the so called "medical career carnival" (mecca).

every1 was so down after coming back fr the carnival which was supposed to enlighten us about our future. it is quite obvious that surging number of medical doctors in tis country wil definitely render a stiff competition in our future career.

so where my future holds? what if it is not of what iv always imagined of? wil it be better, or worse? what wil i be doing if i did not end up doing medicine at all?

生命没有如果，所有发生的一切都是上天最好的安排。
“一切安好”("3 idiots")

FINAL countdown

I can still clearly recall the first day of I becoming a medical student, the first time of I going to the wards on the first day of clinical year, the first time of I witnessing a caesarean section, the first time of I conducting the delivery of a baby, the first time a patient said 'thank you' to me, the first time holding an autopsy knife, and sadly the first time witnessing a death. And the list goes on.

And yesterday, we came back from the 3rd PPD (personal n professional development) camp.
And now, we'r back to reality after 3 months of honey-moon like holidays.
And tomorrow, it will be the first day when we all being labeled as "final year medical students".

Frankly speaking, the PPD camp we went for the past 1 week had instilled me more fear than anticipation for the coming year(s).

It was told that the life of being a houseman will be full of sweats n tears while that of becoming a specialist will be filled with sweats, tears n blood.

I know that sometimes the fear itself does more harm than the actual thing that is being feared, but most of the time u can't help but just worrying rather than 'enjoying' the process.

I can see lots of misery n hardship in times to come, but may them be alternated with moments of joy n contentment. And let my friends n i cherish the final moments of becoming a student.

God, may I have enough strength to go through all this.
*amitabha*

jus realised that iv not been sharing my medical school life for quite some time d...
2day at least i have some materials to write here.

iv never tot of being a surgeon, and 2day's incidence had consolidated my belief even more.
few hours had relapsed since the autopsies i "performed" (more accurately, jus assisted by observing more closely) tis morning, but the bodies' smell still lingering in my mind.

we've done 2 post-mortems 2day, the first one was a Philipine lady who was postulated to be sexually assaulted and killed. i would like to express my deepest sorrow to her encounterment and da biggest rage and resentment to whoever done tis to her.

the 2nd case was an 8-month old infant whose cause of death remained pending for lab results. it's kinda rare to see a paediatric case so the doctors wanted us to involve and learn more. i was startled when the dr asked us to make a vertical cut from the infant's chest down till her pelvis. holding the knife, i could feel my heart racing and without me realising it, my hand was trembling as well. i placed the sharp knife on the baby's chest, but couldn make any cut downwards. i was too weak (perhaps not physically) inside that i felt sorry for her if i were to do so (it's a delusional thought, but i jus couldn do it, i felt her pain). at last i gave up... n no one else dared to try as well.

i tot the dr had given up upon me after my silly act, but instead he asked me to separate the baby's scalp from her skull. thank God i managed to do it although i could see some blood oozing out. the baby's brain was extracted by putting her head into a water basin (differs from the adult method).

the autopsy went on smoothly. then i came to almost the end at the suturing part. we were asked to rotate among ourselves to do the suturing. it was the first time that i sutured on a 'real' flesh. omg my frens told me that my hands were trembling, again!!! wat an embarrassment! i volunteered to do most part of the suturing to reduce the tremor. finally iv gained control over the suturing hand but realised that the other hand holding the forceps were still vibrating. imagine what will happen in future if i am to suture ppl's perineum in O&G. oh no!!!

in conclusion, it was a new and fresh experience. but i still could not cultivate any interest in forensic medicine. now that iv completed signing my card, it's a relief that i dun have to step into the post-mortem room in short-term.
p/s: the smell can really grab away ur appetite whole day long, and even weeks or months.

may the deceased rest in peace.
Amitabha.

HOW CAN I SERVE?

the 3rd day in opthalmology posting:
attended an inspiring lecture by Prof.Muhaya (yes, it's her again since we last met her in 1st yr PPD camp, once my idol n now has become a public icon on TV!)

this is the pledge she asked us 2 embrace, which i think is something next 2 impossible for me LOL:
1. to be creative but not competitive
2. to be kind rather than right
3. to be loving
4. to be gentle
5. to be generous
6. to improve my attitude
7. to accept ppl for what they are

(yes, we are all trying 2 be better persons from day to day. n i guess... by this time of age, everyone will definitely be able 2 tell what's right n what's otherwise... it is the implementation of the advice that's difficult...)

i realised dat lectures of opthalmo are much lengthy than of the other postings, and so does the clinic... gues wat?? 2day started 2 stand in clinic for 4 hours in 1 go, and had my lunch at 330pm and ALONE(which looks weird in the hosp cafe)...damn it, so 'lucky' am I 2 b the only chinese in the group (no offence).life couldn be more miserable...

seeing patients in the clinic really punched a hole in my heart. i could see that they are in so much predicament and suffer, yet could do nothing other than watching them struggling to walk and tumbling down due to visual impairment and other co-morbidities. n they had 2 spend the whole morning waiting outside the clinic n sacrifice their lunches jus 2 hav a 5-min session with the opthalmologists for follow-up appointment. im not blaming anyone here... a normal person with conscience n compassion might be disheartened seeing this, and so did i...

may God bless them and alleviate them from suffering as such...
SERVICE IS JOY (quotable quote fr Prof Muhaya)
~amitabha~

bloody o bloody...

today, iv managed to draw a blood sample for coagulation profile from a patient on warfarin, FINALLY.... not 'tatooing' the patient, not causing bulging of vein, no inadequate blood sample, no needle-prick injury n with glove ON..

i know it's just a small matter for a medical student, and every medical student under the sky would manage to do so without much hassle. its definitely not a big issue but somehow i have a boost in self-esteem each time i manage to carry out a procedure. it's indeed disheartening to cause pain to the patient each time failing to do so.

well, we had been taught to learn from mistakes, but i really feel bad when each misconduct we do (sounds nicer if i call it 'experience'?) is causing pain and inflicting torment in our patients, though i know it's impossible to succeed in every procedure, even with experienced hand.

another flattering event today was that one of the patients actually called me as her 'grand-daughter' hahaha.... i could really feel her warm heart when she actually holded my hand so tightly that i felt that everything i do is worthwhile, and i shall stop complaining about the 'suffering' as a medical student, as medicine is a field that is so rewarding that u would not have the thought of quitting it if u have enough passion (of which im lack too sometimes). i know its hard but i hope that all of us could maintain the 'ignition' till the end by not giving up (although iv been so 'duo luo' for so many days, with the short case exam on next week, *a slap on my face*)..

there it came another uncle (we called him uncle with 'a special heart', as he has dextrocardia, a very rare cardiological condition), who asked me to buy some biscuits and breads for him b4 doing a physical examination. he was so glad when i 'accomplished my task' and thank us non-stop. sometimes its not about the reward u get when helping others, but the satisfaction u get at the end of the day that counts. as the saying goes, "the truth about happiness is that, it has to be given to others first, before u can finally possess it".

well, looks like i really have to stop here. have to summarize 2 cases for my logbook n to finish my um express for the coming short case.

till then, will update more about my life as a medical student.

goodnight to the planet called Earth, and good morning to myself.

+oil, +oil...